'Other Humor'

[mike837go]

Stolen from the humor thread from another forum I belong to:

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

[norty1]

WORST JOKE EVER.........
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,,There was a certain bus driver who hated his job, and he figured he was through. He went up to the personnel office to resign.
...He said' "I am quitting this job, and there is nothing you can do to make me stay!"
...The personnel manager replied, "Please, let's not be hasty. You are one of our most dependable drivers. We really hate to lose you. What problems are you experiencing?"
...The driver vented his frustrations to the personnel manager. Then came the offer.
..."If you try it just one more week, we'll change your route, give you a new and special bus, and since it is Friday, you can take off the last half of today. How about trying it, for just one more week?"
...Feeling somewhat better about the situation, he agreed to try it for one more week.
...He arrived Monday for work, they gave him his new route, and he was escorted to his new bus. This bus was special in a strange sort of way --- it had all these muppet characters all over it, like Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggie, Cookie Monster, and Oscar the Grouch. Even so, he made an agreement, so he climbed into the driver seat, and off he went.
...At the 1st stop, 2 very heavy women entered the bus. Each introduced herself as "Patty". The driver told them to sit down, and they continued on.
...At the 2nd stop, a lady with a boy named Ross got on the bus. She went on and on and on and on about how great and special her little Ross was to her. The driver, a little impatient now, told them to find a seat, and they drove on.
...At the 3rd stop, a barefoot man named Lester Sheets walked in. The bus driver reminded him that company policy stated he must have shoes on to ride the bus. Lester begged and begged and begged, saying that the bunions on his feet hurt a lot, and that he had no other way to get to where
he needed to go. The driver sighed, and agreed, and on they drove.
...The driver look in his rear view and saw Lester picking his feet on the bus.
...That was it, that was enough for him. He stopped the boss,
made everyone leave, and returned to the bus lot. He went up to the personnel office, and told them, "I really am quitting this time, and you can't make me come back."
...They asked why.
...He replied, "Because you gave me 2 obese patties, special Ross, Lester Sheets, pickin' his bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"

[SecretCoveDave]

Oh, the pain......my head hurts.

[DocBrown]

Originally Posted by norty1

WORST JOKE EVER.........

You are right about that!

[RedHorse1]

"I'm here all week, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress."
(sound of crickets in the background)

[Seann45]

Originally Posted by RedHorse1

"I'm here all week, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress."
(sound of crickets in the background)

She gets dizzy and disorientated if I tip her back too far

[bankr63]

Norty's reminds me of another one.

Frog walks into a bank and tells the receptionist he needs a loan. The receptionist asks him to wait a few minutes until the loans officer, a Ms. Patricia Whack is available.
A few minutes later, he is escorted into Patricia's office, where he explains that he needs a $20,000 loan (must be a really small trailer he's buying). Patricia says, alright, what can you offer as a security against the loan.
The frog thinks it over for a minute, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a painted rock and asks "Will this do?"
Patricia explains that a security must have a value that is close to the amount loaned, and that a painted rock won't do. "Oh", says the frog, "but this ornament was painted by my father, the great Mick Jagger"
Patricia, suppressing an eye roll, excuses herself to check with the loans manager. Walking into the loan managers office, Patricia exclaims, "You won't believe this. I have a frog in my office that wants a $20,000 loan and is offering this painted rock that he says is from his dad, Mick Jagger, as collateral. It's nuts"
The loan manager, looking her straight in the eye, says "lend him the money"
Patricia says "What!?!? With a rock for collateral? I don't even know what this rock is?"
The loan manager says "It's a knick knack Patty Whack, give the Frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone"

[norty1]

Groan.... mine was worse.

[aqua]

I used to be a telemarketer


I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.

"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.

I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:

"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."

[RedHorse1]

Originally Posted by Seann45

She gets dizzy and disorientated if I tip her back too far

Oh, dude! Did that once with the bride. Head hit the table, trip to the ER and stitches. She didn't mind the tip but promises she'll never try to thank me like that again.

[Danny]

Got this from facebook and had to share.

So I got my concealed gun permit yesterday, and went over to Bass Pro Shop, picked up a 9mm and some ammo.
When i was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me".
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
I've been asked to shop elswhere!

[norty1]

A COWBOY NAMED FRED

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
Amarillo Theater.
...When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm
going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy , but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation
briefly, then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya come from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle , Fred replied,
"the Balcony"

[Marcm157]

Well there's 15 minutes I will never get back...

[norty1]

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from San Angelo, Texas to Branson, Missouri. As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver figured that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down. A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested.... The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies? About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested, too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it runs away..........

[bansai]

A man walks in a bar and yells, "all lawyers are a-holes". A man in the bar yells in response "I resent that comment". The first man says "why, are you a lawyer?" The second man says, "no I'm an a-hole".