Todays Clean Joke

[rick danger]

What did the bra say to the hat?.....I'll stay here with these two, you go on ahead.

[Steve-O Man]

Old man is shuffling down the lane when he hears "psst! hey old man". Old man looks around doesn't see anyone so continues on his stroll. Again "psst! psst! hey, down here". Old many looks down and sees this frog that appears to be talking to him. "Pick me up" says the frog. "
I'm not really an ugly old frog but a beautiful princess trapped inside this frogs body because of a spell cast upon me by a wicked witch. Pick me up, kiss me to release me from this frogs body and I'll give you a night of ecstasy the likes of which you've never dreamed of before." Old man does pick up the frog but instead of giving it the kiss sticks the frog in his coat pocket and once again continues on his walk. "Hey old man, hey, hey, didn't you hear me? Kiss, beautiful princess, night of ecstasy? Old man stops and takes the frog out of his coat pocket. He looks at the frog and says, "Yea, I heard you. But at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." Returns the frog to his pocket and shuffles down the lane.

[Shorty Cox]

A lady in the assisted living home turning 105 years old caught the attention of the local TV station. A reporter was dispatched to interview the lady for a human-interest story.
The reporter asks the lady; “Too what do you attribute your longevity?”

The lady answered; “Eating healthy and exercise.”

“Have you ever been sick?” the reporter asks.

The lady answered; “yes”

“Well have you ever been bedridden?” the reporter then asks.

The old lady gave the reporter a puzzled look, giggled, and answered; “Gosh yes, and a few times in a buggy.”

[RedHorse1]

He’ll be here all week, folks. Be sure to tip your waitress.

[norty1]

Handsome Old Man

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He was in his mid-eighties. He was well-dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, and smelling slightly of a good after shave.

Seated at the bar was an elderly, real classy lady.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits along side of her. He orders a drink. He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says,

"So, tell me. Do I come here often?"

[RedHorse1]

Originally Posted by norty1

Handsome Old Man

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He was in his mid-eighties. He was well-dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, and smelling slightly of a good after shave.

Seated at the bar was an elderly, real classy lady.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits along side of her. He orders a drink. He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says,

"So, tell me. Do I come here often?"

I forget, did he pay for his drink?

[RedHorse1]

An elderly couple was attending a local antique auto show, the Mr. carefully examining each one. When they came to a beautifully restored Ford Model A pickup. As he looked it over, she stood silently looking at it a radiant grin broke out on her face.
The owner noticing her expression was pleased and asked her if she liked his pride and joy. She enthusiastically replied, “oh, yes!” Then quietly murmured, “The first time I had sex was in a pickup just like this one.” She then gave a sigh and walked away. Her husband had been standing beside her and now wearing a confused scowl muttered, “I don’t remember ever owning a truck like this.”

[norty1]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[norty1]

I almost killed everyone camping this weekend!

[bedrck46]

Where's the popcorn???

[Cannon]

Why God Created Women. Cause hopes and dreams can't crush themself.

[zuley]

I told my elderly mother that "WTF" stands for "Wow that's fantastic". i can't wait to start reading her emails.

[Cannon]

Do you have enough ammo.

[Cannon]

krispy kreme

[norty1]

I was visiting my daughter last night, when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here use my iPad"



I can tell you this...that fly never knew what hit him!

[RAurand]

Nothing like a bug-zapper on the back porch though....the sounds, flash of light, and smell is something to behold....works best in the deep south, but ok for Pennsylvania as well....though not as impressive as the bugs are much larger down there....except around the swamp of DC....there, the pests are enormous* - and they keep multiplying - a large infestation.....*