A man is laying carpet...
A man is laying carpet at a woman's house and it's a long, hot job.
He finally finishes and reaches into his shirt pocket for a pack of cigarettes and they are not there.
He glances at a small lump out of the carpet I realize they slipped out of his pocket. Bam! Bam! Bam! He flattens them till it looks great, there is no way he's going to take up all that carpet for a bunch of paper and tobacco.
Heads out to his truck, jumps in the front seat and is caught off guard to see his pack of cigarettes on the dash.
At that moment the woman of the house rushes out waving at him. "Excuse me, I don't know if you saw him or not, but I'm missing my hamster."
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A beautiful woman was filling her car with gas...
I noticed that she wasn’t paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.
As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a couple pumps away, so she ran out of her car and ran at him, waving her burning arm at him for help.
The cop was completely caught off guard and, in his confusion, he shot her.
I wasn’t that surprised though... it was her fault for running at him with a firearm.
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A man is at the doctor
A man is at a follow up appointment at the doctor. The doctor walks in and says “I’m sorry, but I’ve got bad news and worse news.”
“Start with the worse news,” says the man.
“You’ve got cancer,” the doctor starts.
Caught off guard, the man replies “okay, what’s the bad news?”<br>
“You also have Alzheimer’s,” says the doctor.
“Well at least I don’t have cancer,” says the man.
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A business was looking for office help and puts a sign on the window
The sign reads: "HELP WANTED: We are an equal opportunity employer looking for someone good with computers, Word, Excel and is bilingual"
One day a dog walks up, sees the sign and goes inside. He looks at the receptionist, looks back at the sign and barks.
Figuring out what the dog came here for, the receptionist gets the office manager, who looks at the dog surprised. However, the dog looked so confident that the manager leads him into the office, where the dog jumps on a chair and looks at the manager. The manager sits down, looks back at the dog and says "I can't hire you, the sign says that you have to be able to use a computer and Word."
The dog jumps down, walks to a computer and begins to create a word document, drafting a letter for the manager. Caught off guard but unconvinced, the manager says "The sign also says you have to be good with excel."
The dog then goes on to create a perfect spreadsheet that works flawlessly the first time.
Dumb-founded, the manager looks at the dog and says "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog with some interesting abilities. However, I still can't hire you."
The dog jumps down and walks over to a copy of the sign, putting his paw on the phrase "Equal Opportunity Employer".
The manager says "Yes, we are an equal opportunity employer. However, the sign also says you need to be bilingual." The dog looks at the manager confidently and says, "Meow."
*Woof*
Murff
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Murff
2015 White Hawk 20MRB (It's last year)
2017 F150 2.7 Eco Boost 3.73 Gears
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