Another Clean Joke

[Lady Fitzgerald]

A woman married the town's stingiest miser. Before their wedding, the tightwad made his much younger bride to be promise to bury him with all his money so he could prove it is possible to "take it with you." She agreed. A few years later, the miser died after amassing quite a fortune. Just before his funeral starts, his widow goes up to the casket and places a large envelope in it. After the wedding, the widow's best friend asks what was in the envelope. She told her what her husband had made her promise, then said, " I thought about that promise for years and decided the only right thing to do was to keep that promise." The friend asks, "Did you really put all his money in that envelope?" "Yes," the widow replied. "I wrote a check for the entire amount."

[TCNashville]

Funny stuff Jeannie, keep 'em coming. Lots of good jokes flying around the Forum these days!

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Originally Posted by TCNashville

Funny stuff Jeannie, keep 'em coming. Lots of good jokes flying around the Forum these days!

Ok, you asked for it:

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

[norty1]

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You do not want to try these techniques at home!"

"Why not?" asked a man from the audience.
"After years of not paying attention, I suddenly noticed my wife's routine at breakfast," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets; often she carried just a single item at a time. So I asked her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once? It'd be much more efficient.'"
"Well, did your suggestions save much time?" the attendee asked.

"Actually, yes," the efficiency expert responded. "It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Camelot was under attack by a large, fearsome dragon. So, King Arthur called upon his most valiant knight to slay the dragon. Unfortunately, all of the horses were frightened of the dragon and cowered in terror. All other options exhausted, the knight found a one-eyed, arthritic Great Dane. But, King Arthur took one look at the dog and shook his head. "I'll kill the dragon myself," he said. "I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."

[norty1]

Overheard a man and his wife were having an intense fight when the wife told him to get out.
The husband packed his things and as he was leaving, the wife said "I hope you have a slow agonizing death."

The husband replied "oh, so now you want me to stay?"

[Lady Fitzgerald]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies. Before long, the dachshund discovered that he was lost.

Wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thought, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride and slunk away into the trees.

"Whew," said the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went.

The dachshund saw the monkey heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilt the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now, the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thought, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them. Just when they got close enough to hear, the dachshund said, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

[Lady Fitzgerald]

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast." The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced,”This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn’t use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes’ discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager. "Well, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens.

[TCNashville]

STOP IT, you're killin' me!

[Lady Fitzgerald]

I'm in a murderous mood so:

Bad Puns

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

*This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

A friend got a new Boomerang. He had a heck of a time throwing away his old one.

When a dairy farmer dies is he creamated?

[Lady Fitzgerald]

Bagpipe Jokes

Bagpipes-(noun)-I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.

-Alfred Hitchcock
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Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
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Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
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Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
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Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
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Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
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Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
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Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
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Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
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Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
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Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.
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Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticize his fingering style.
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Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
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Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
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Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
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Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
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Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
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Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
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Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
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Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.
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Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
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Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.
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Q. Why are bagpipers’ fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
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Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
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Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
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Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
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Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
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Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
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If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it would be a good idea.
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Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.
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Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?
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Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
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Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
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Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
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Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt?
A. Shoes and socks.
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Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
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Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
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Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
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Q. What's the definition of "optimism"
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?
A. The frog might be getting a gig. (Some South Florida Humor)
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ANCIENT PIPING JOKE: The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing away like mad.............The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are creating bloody slaughter all through the Irish ranks................Ten men down, and the piper plays on................Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out.

Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, "For heaven's sake, can you not play something they like?"
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Q. The uilleann pipes are the only instrument declared safe by the National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) Why???
A. They have seat belts and an air bag.
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Man walks into a session with an octopus and declares that his critter can play any instrument in the room and $50 backs up his outrageous claim.
So the fiddler hands over the fiddle, the octopus picks it up and plays beautifully, $50 to the octopus. Same for the drums, the guitar and banjo....

Then the piper declares he is sure to meet the bet and come out on top. So he hands over his pipes and the octopus turns them first one way then the other, and not a sound comes out of it. The owner looks little nervous and asks the octopus what’s wrong.

"Play it? I'm still trying to get her out of these pajamas!!!!!!!!!"
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At a solemn memorial service for a pipe band drummer, the piper approached the casket preparing to play. Just as he blew up his bag and prepared to strike in, the funeral director rushed up to the casket, hands in air, crying, "Stop, stop!"

The funeral director then gently closed the casket and, turning to the astonished piper, said, "Now you can play. The drummer gave specific instructions that the casket lid had to be closed before you started."

[TCNashville]

All funny but extra funny with 12 year old single malt scotch in hand!

[Magnolia Tom]

Originally Posted by TCNashville

All funny but extra funny with 12 year old single malt scotch in hand!

So true!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[norty1]

How to prepare Tofu:


1. Throw it in the trash
2. Grill some meat

[Lady Fitzgerald]

How to cook carp.


1. Cut off head and fins.
2. Scrape off scales.
3. Remove the entrails.
4. Wash thoroughly and rub with rock salt.
5. Nail to a cedar plank (must be cedar!)
6. Cook one hour in an oven preheated to 350°.
7. Remove from oven and let rest for ten minutes.
8. Remove the carp from the plank, throw it away, and eat the plank.

[norty1]

A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected on this subject.

[Seann45]

I thought my neighbor had taken up playing the bagpipe but it was just a cat under his arm and he was biting the tail...