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Old 01-22-2021, 06:51 PM   #1
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Goes into a bar jokes

Ok, I'll start:

An older gentlemen, dressed to the nines, goes into a bar. He pauses at the entrance, scans the room and sees a single woman seated at the end of the bar. He then walks over and seats himself next to the woman. She says hello to him. Then he asks her: Do I come here often?
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Old 01-22-2021, 07:07 PM   #2
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A termite walked into a bar and said "Is the bar tender here?"
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Old 01-22-2021, 07:18 PM   #3
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

.

.

.


The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Old 01-22-2021, 07:41 PM   #4
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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. When the neutron gets his beer, he asks, "Bartender, how much will that be?"
The bartender replies, "For you neutron, no charge."
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Old 01-22-2021, 08:40 PM   #5
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Horse walks into the bar.

Bartender asks, hey, why the long face?

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Old 01-22-2021, 08:44 PM   #6
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Here's one that's unbelievably funny:

I Irishman walks out of a bar..........................................
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Old 01-22-2021, 08:59 PM   #7
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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.


He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.


So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.


A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50.


Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.


Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.


"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"


The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it?


"I'm going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
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Old 01-22-2021, 09:00 PM   #8
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A bagpipe player, a banjo player and an accordion player all walk into a bar...
everybody leaves.
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Old 01-22-2021, 09:29 PM   #9
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Bear walks into a bar, sits on the bar stool, waits 60 seconds and orders a beer.
Bartender says sure, but why the long pause?
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Old 01-22-2021, 09:48 PM   #10
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Three Blondes walk into a bar. They walk up to the bartender and shout "We're not dumb! We put this puzzle together!" The bartender said, "So what's the point?" The Blondes said, "this puzzle says 3-5 years but we did it in 51 days."
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Old 01-23-2021, 05:34 AM   #11
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A man with a dog walks into a bar. The bartender say "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The man says "This is no ordinary dog. He can talk!"
The bartender says "If you can get that dog to talk, I'll give you a beer."
So, the man says to the dog "What's the texture of sandpaper?"
The dog replies "Ruff"!
The bartender says "That's not talking! Get that dog out of here!"
"No, no, no", says the man. He can really talk." He turns to the dog and asks "What sets on top of a building"?
The dog replies "Roof"!
The bartender orders the man and his dog to leave.
"No, no, no", says the man, again. He can really talk!" Again, he turns to the dog and asks "Who's the greatest baseball hitter of all time"?
The dog appears to think for a minute, then replies "Roof"!
The bartender kicks the two out of the bar. As the man and his dog are sitting on the curb in front of the bar, the dog turns to the man and says "Hank Aaron"?


(My condolences on your loss to the family and fans of the GOAT!)
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Old 01-23-2021, 12:00 PM   #12
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Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
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Old 01-23-2021, 12:10 PM   #13
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A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?"

The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish.

The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks.

“What just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"
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Old 01-23-2021, 02:37 PM   #14
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Duck goes into a bar. Waddles in and hops on the barstool. Barkeep asks the duck what he would like.
The duck says he wants some grapes. Bar guy says "we don't have any grapes". Mr. Duck hops down and leaves. The next day, same thing.....duck wants grapes. Bartender says "I told you yesterday that we don't have grapes! If you come here again, I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar!
Duck waddled in again the next day, hops up on the barstool and asks "do you have any nails? Bartender says no they don't. Wait for it....
Duck says ....ok, got any grapes?
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Old 01-24-2021, 08:23 PM   #15
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A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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Old 01-25-2021, 03:30 PM   #16
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Two deer come walking out of the Elks Club.

One says to the other, "that's the last time I do that for two bucks!"

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Old 01-25-2021, 08:19 PM   #17
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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.

After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
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Old 01-26-2021, 12:24 AM   #18
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A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he has no money but asks if he does a really great trick would the bartender give him a free beer? The bartender agrees but said it had better be good. The man pulls out a frog, which hops over to the piano bar and plays Beethoven. The bartender is overwhelmed and says, “That was the most beautiful music I've heard — I can't believe it!”

The guy asks if he would spot him another beer if he could show him another trick. The bartender agrees and says, “Yeah if it's anything like the last one, no problem.” The guy pulls out the frog again and he runs immediately over to the piano and then he pulls out a small mouse. He starts playing some Frank Sinatra music and the the mouse starts singing. It's absolutely beautiful. The bartender gives the guy his second beer.

Then a man comes up to the guy and says, “Hey, would you ever sell that singing mouse?” He said sure, so the guy hands him $100. The bartender tells him, “Are you crazy? A singing mouse like that is worth thousands of dollars.” The man looks at the bartender and whispers in his ear, “Don't worry, the frog is also a ventriloquist.”
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Old 01-26-2021, 09:07 AM   #19
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An old farmer walks into a bar and sets down on a bar stool. The bar keeper asked the old farmer what he can get for him. The old farmer told the barkeeper he wanted a pole, violin, and a redhead. The barkeeper said to the old farmer, that's a very strange request. The old farmer told the barkeeper this was the first time he had ever been in a big city, and he didn't know if he was going whittle, fiddle, or diddle.
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Old 01-27-2021, 08:14 PM   #20
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A guy walks into a bar and is shocked to see a horse tending bar. As the horse finishes preparing an excellent Horse’s Neck, he turns to the awestruck patron and demands, "Hey buddy, what's the matter? You can't believe that a horse can tend bar?"
"No," the guys says. "I can't believe the ferret sold the place."
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