Goes into a bar jokes

[Jacjayco]

Old guy walks into a bar. He's dressed to kill, suit, tie and looking good.
He pauses in the doorway and scans the room.
The bar is empty except for a very attractive woman sitting in the last seat.
The guy crosses the room and sits right next to the woman.
He orders a drink, looks at the woman and says......

Do I come here often?

[DocBrown]

A piece of string walks into a bar. Bar tender says "we don't serve your kind here". String walks out, thinks for a few minutes, then ties himself into a knot and tatters up his string end. Goes back in. Bartender says "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out". String says "I'm a frayed knot".

[craigav]

Old guy walks into a bar where there are twin sisters sitting at the counter and he rubs his eyes over and over and the sisters decide to tell him, "You are not drunk and seeing double, we are twins", and he responds, "All four of you?"

[Murff]

A man walks into a bar with a bag and orders a drink.

After awhile, the bartender asks him, “What is in the bag?”

The man says, “Nothing, don’t worry about it”

The night continues and the bartender keeps asking but the man keeps giving him the same answer.

Towards the end of the night the bartender offers the man a free beer if the man shows him what is in the bag.

The man agrees.

He reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny man that sits down and starts playing the piano.

The bartender says, “Wow! That’s amazing! Where did you find they guy?”

The man looks up and says, “I have this magic lamp with a Genie that grants me wishes, but he is a bit hard of hearing and once he grants a wish, it can't be reversed.”

The man then hands the bartender the lamp and says, “You can try it if you want.”

The bartender happily grabs the lamp, rubs it and the Genie appears. "What is your wish sir", the Genie asks?

The bartender replies, "I wish for a million bucks!" Suddenly, as the Genie disappears, as the bar fills with a million ducks!

“Oh my God! That Genie is deaf", says the bartender!

The man replies, “Tell me about it, do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

Murff

[Murff]

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a Gin and… Tonic.”

The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”

And the polar bear replies, “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”

Murff

[JimD]

A Jayco owner walks into a bar....

Use your imagination.

[Racinforthefinish]

Not a bar but---
A lady walks into a pet store and there is a parrot sitting on an open perch. The parrot says, hey lady, she says, what? Parrot says you're the ugliest woman I've ever seen. The lady is very upset and goes to the store owner and tells him what happened, he said don't worry I will take care of that parrot. He rolled up a newspaper and went to the parrot and told him don't you ever say that again or you are really going to get a paddling. The lady left but returned a few days later and there sat the parrot on his perch. He says, hey lady, she says, what? Parrot says, you know!

[RedHorse1]

I think this is as old as me:

Man walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, sits on an empty stool and plops the dog on the bar.

Barkeep: “Hey buddy, no dogs allowed, you’ll have to leave.”

Man: “No, wait. This dog is special, he’s a talking dog!”

Barkeep: “Whaddya talkin bout?”

Man: “C’meah, I’ll show ya.”

(Did I mention you have to use some serious imagination?)

Man: “Hey dog, what’s sandpaper like?”

Dog: (turns head side to side). “Ruff, ruff!”

Barkeep: (scowling) “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. I told ya to leave!”

Man: “No, no! It’s true, lemme show lemme show ya. Hey dog, what’s on top of the house?”

Dog: (turns head side to side). “Roof, roof!”

Barkeep: “Thats enough of you buddy, you’re outa here!”

Man: “Wait, you gotta give me a chance! Hey dog, who’s the best baseball player of all times?”

(You gotta use your best gravely dog voice for this.)

Dog: (turns head side to side). “Ruth, Ruth!”

Barkeep: (really angry now, grabs the man, drags him to the door and throws him out. Turns towards the dog and it ready to grab him.)

Dog: (now terrified) “Ok, ok. It’s DiMaggio.”

[redshift]

Two guys sitting in a bar when stunning redhead walks in wearing a tank top. She waves to the bartender revealing her hairy armpit. The two guys assume she is a hippie granola girl. A drunk at the bar loudly proclaims she is a dancer. One of the guys says, "how do you figure she's a dancer?" "any woman that can kick her leg that high has to be a dancer!"

[wwgilstrap]

A guy throws open the door to a bar and walks in loudly yelling "ALL LAWERS ARE SCUM BUCKETS". A man sitting at the end of the bar says, Hay I take exception to that, to which the first guy says, why are you a lawer looking at him intently. He replies, Nooo I'm a scum bucket....

[Florida Ranger]

Geeky Guy walks into a bar and ask who owns the Big Bulldog chained to the telephone pole outside. A real Big biker guy said he does why. Geeky guy said my dog just killed your dog, biker says No Way, what kind of dog do you have ? Geeky says he has a small Poodle dog. Biker still says No Way,, Geeky says your Bulldog choked to death on my Poodle dog…..

[THE MEEKER]

Howard Cosell walks into a bar and sits down.

The bartender serving him says "Hey, nice hair! Where did you buy it?"

[Murff]

Two dazed deer walk out of a bar.

One says to the other, "that's the last time I do that for two bucks!"

Murff

[david a judd]

A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says “Why the long face?”

[OnTheGo]

A guy goes into the bar accompanied by a gorgeous woman and sees a single guy sitting by himself. Both men think "I sure wish I was in his place".

[jbergsli]

what's the difference between a (Insert your nationality) wedding and a (Insert your nationality) funeral

One less drunk

[Docsouce]

A string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bar tender says, we don't serve strings here. So the string leaves. Outside the string unties all the ends on top of his head. He then walks back into the bar and orders a beer. The bar tender answers, didn't I tell you we don't serve strings here!!... The string replies, I'm a frayed knot.......

[Billandcarole]

A guy walks into a bar!... 2 weeks later, he's still got a concussion!

[Murff]

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender exclaims, "hey we never had a weasel for a customer before, what can I get you?"

"Pop", goes the weasal!

Murff

[Thomson]

A man goes into a bar in Texas and says "Hey everybody I have an Okie joke for you." Then this 6'6" cowboy stands and says "Before you tell that joke, I want you to know I'm an Okie." The man says "Don't worry I'll tell it slow."