How to start a fight!

[Brightwhite]

Hopefully this isn't to bad for this forum...


HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionairewhile we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's **** near perfect."
And then the fight started........
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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

[Threebutchers]

Good stuff!

[RUSSELL5000]

Love 'em all!

[Jrmay25]

Too funny. Thanks for sharing..

[tedshelleykacie]

and then the fight started......

[Threebutchers]

.....and then the fight started

[Dutch and Di]

Made my day!!!
They'll make my nest newsletter for sure. Hugs, Di

[Redhorse 823]

Great!

[Elecchicken]

Nice! Good laughs!

[cekkk]

Trouble at breakfast this morning. I asked my wife what she'd do if I won the lottery. She said she'd take her half and take a trip around the world.

I simply said, "I won $12 this morning. Here's six bucks. Keep in touch!"

[annie oakly]

those are good

[NY RVer]

Did you end up wearing breakfast?

[cekkk]

Originally Posted by NY RVer

Did you end up wearing breakfast?

Yeah, but I was justified. A few days ago I saw a highway patrol car pull up behind me and light up. I took off, but a roadblock a few miles down the road got me. The cop comes up to the window and says, "A guy your age should know he can't outrun the radio. What were you thinking?"

I apologized and said, "My wife ran off with one of you guys a week ago and I thought he was bringing her back!"

Got off with a warning.

[NY RVer]

Originally Posted by cekkk

Yeah, but I was justified. A few days ago I saw a highway patrol car pull up behind me and light up. I took off, but a roadblock a few miles down the road got me. The cop comes up to the window and says, "A guy your age should know he can't outrun the radio. What were you thinking?"

I apologized and said, "My wife ran off with one of you guys a week ago and I thought he was bringing her back!"

Got off with a warning.

Nice!

[FireCapt564]

Great way to start my day!

[namusmc65]

Wow and you were still able to write?????

[snowbird47]

ROFLMAO - Excellent, I am sharing with others.

[SouthCo]

Had me laughing out loud at work. Very funny.

[Seann45]

Chevys RULE.. Ford and Chrysler are anemic, Ricers dont even make the list..
let the fight start...LOL

[Kjenkins]

SEANN45 you know they have been raising the speed limit everywhere around the country, all you chevy and dodge owners just do your best.