Missing Rodney Dangerfield

[Seann45]

*He said: "With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, how can I get*
*my kite in the air?*
*He told me to run off a cliff."*
*
*I went to a massage parlor, it was self-service.*
*
*My wife only has sex with me for a purpose, last night she used me to*
*time an egg.*
*
*It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet*
*she won't drink from my glass.*
*
*Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy*
*negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.*
*
*A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went*
*over, nobody was home.*
*
*A hooker once told me she had a headache.*
*
*If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.*
*
*I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are*
*you going to hate yourself in the morning?"*
*She said, "No, I hate myself now."*
*
*I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.*
*
*My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen*
*the roaches hang themselves.*
*
*I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.*
*
*The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?"*
*He said, "Because you came home early."*
*
*My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.*
*
*I know I'm not sexy, when I put my underwear on I can hear the*
*Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.*
*
*My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.*
*
*My wife likes to talk to me during sex, last night she called me from a hotel.*
*
*My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't*
*have had anything to play with.*
*
*It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a*
*button fell off.*
*I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to*
*the bathroom.*
*
*I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept*
*covering me up.*
*
*I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and radio.*
*
*I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told*
*me that she only liked me as a friend.*
*
*I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came*
*with his wallet.*
*
*When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my*
*father, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could, but he pulled through*
*anyway."*
*
*I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness after I was born.*
*
*I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my*
*finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.*
*
*Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find*
*my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He*
*said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."*
*
*My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off*next Tuesday.*
*
*I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.*
*
*I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I*
*look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He*
*said, "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."*
*
*I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.*
*My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.*
*
*Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a*
*pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm.*
*Last night he went on the paper four times, three of those times I was*
*reading it.*
*
*One year they wanted to make me a poster boy for birth control.*
*
*My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap, he was in the*
*electric chair.*
*
*That's Why We Miss Rodney.*