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Old 02-01-2017, 11:37 AM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: AZ, SSA (Squabbling States of America)
Posts: 1,432
More Clean Jokes

A grocer put up a sign that read, "Eggplants, 25 cents each - 3 for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming, "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four eggplants for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer would capitulate and package four eggplants.
The tailor next door watched this going on all day and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign, no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

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A woman walks into a post office to mail a letter. He notices a man standing at the counter with a pile of pink envelopes. She watches as he places a Love stamp on each one and then sprays it with perfume. Her curiosity gets the better of her, so she approaches the man. "What are you doing?" She asks. "I'm mailing 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, "Guess who?" "Why would you do that?" asks the woman. "I'm a divorce lawyer," was the man's reply.

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An Army Ranger was deployed in the Middle East. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. She explained that she had met another man while he had been gone, she wanted to break up with him, and she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him.

The Ranger went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

“I’m sorry, I can’t remember which one you are but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back.”

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An elderly lady was on a cruise ship. She wandered up to the bar and asked for a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bar tender gave her the drink she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my eightieth birthday.”

The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one is on me.”

As the woman finished her drink, the lady to her right said, “I would like to buy you a drink too.”

The elderly matron said, “Thank you. Bartender, I would like another Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Comin’ right up,” said the bartender.

While she polished off this drink, the man to her left said, “I would also like to buy you a drink.”

The lady said, “Thank you. Bartender, I would like another Scotch with two drops of water.”

As the bartender gave the woman her drink, he said, “I’m dying of curiosity. Why only two drops of water in your Scotch?”

The octogenarian replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole ‘nother issue!”

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