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Old 04-03-2024, 06:00 AM   #1
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Norty1 humor

A couple is sitting on their porch, sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?” The wife replies, “It’s me talking to the wine.”
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Old 04-03-2024, 06:05 AM   #2
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Old 04-03-2024, 11:52 AM   #3
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Mr. Frobisher had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes.
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Old 04-07-2024, 03:41 AM   #4
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A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
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Old 04-07-2024, 04:24 AM   #5
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Old 04-07-2024, 05:53 AM   #6
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Groan, [LOL]
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Old 04-07-2024, 08:17 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by norty1 View Post
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
This reminds me of a conversation I had with a gentleman several years ago.

My first job out of college was at a small newspaper in Western Oklahoma. One afternoon a farmer with a heavy country accent came into the office and me being the only one there, I asked if I could help him.

What ensued what about a five minute conversation where I didn't understand a word this man said to me. I did a lot of smiling and nodding my head.

In the end I gave him a newspaper and he left happy.
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Old 04-07-2024, 12:29 PM   #8
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Southern County sheriff pulls over a speeding local. When he gets to the car, he asks the driver, "you got any ID?"

The speeder replies in a heavy southern drawl, "about what?"

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Old 04-18-2024, 09:56 AM   #9
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Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once in a vending machine.
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