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Old 01-23-2017, 09:05 AM   #1
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Todays Clean Joke

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks.
If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up.
Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.
The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimistic twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.
"What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
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Old 01-23-2017, 09:16 AM   #2
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Funny, but "clean"?
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Old 01-25-2017, 08:51 AM   #3
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Wife comes home late at night
and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
... From under the blanket
she sees four legs instead of two!
She reaches for a baseball bat
and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done,
she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters,
she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"hi darling", he says,
"your parents have come to visit us,
so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you have said hello to them."
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Old 01-25-2017, 10:34 AM   #4
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Lol , norty those were great can't Waite to pass them on.
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Old 01-25-2017, 10:40 AM   #5
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Good jokes
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Old 01-25-2017, 11:44 AM   #6
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I'm trying to make friends outside of this forum.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by the latest mod I've done to my RV, what type of hitch I have, who I'm going camping with and where next weekend.
I give them pictures of my tankless water heater, my new battery rack, the tile I put behind the sink and us sitting around the campfire.
I also listen to their conversations and give them a "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

AND IT WORKS just like the Jayco Owners Forum!

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

[adapted from a Facebook joke]
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Old 01-27-2017, 07:09 AM   #7
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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?", asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill", answered the son.
"I don't care", said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow."
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa, "The extra $100.00 is from Grandma."
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Old 01-27-2017, 08:08 AM   #8
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That's not so clean Norty when you think about your parents! It's darn funny tho!
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Old 01-27-2017, 08:33 AM   #9
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[ Heard on an episode of Car Talk ]
An older gentlemen, who thought himself still quite young looking makes a dentist appointment.
In the waiting room he stares at the diploma and sees a name he recognizes!

"I think I went to school with him!" he mutters.
But once in the chair, he looks at the dentist and thinks to himself, "No, I must be mistaken.
The guy looks way too old to have gone to school with me!"

After a few minutes, it weighs on him and he finally asks "Are you Bob Smith?"
"Yes." the dentist replies.

"Were you at Townsville High School?"
"Yes." the dentist replies.


"Oh my goodness, you were in my class!"
There's a pause, a look and then the dentist says "Oh, what class did you teach?"
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Old 01-30-2017, 03:49 PM   #10
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A man had to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "Let's see the cheapest model," he said. The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" the customer asked.

"It doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
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Old 02-06-2017, 07:35 PM   #11
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A young boy's family often went camping in their pop-up on some family property that his Dad had inherited. It used to be the family farm and although the farmhouse had long ago burned down, the privy was still there, on the side of a hill.

Since their pop-up didn't have a bathroom, the family had to use the old outhouse.
The boy HATED that out house. He had begged his dad to get something better but still they used the old, stinky outhouse.

One particularly COLD weekend, after having to visit the Outhouse during the dark, cold night, the boy just couldn't stop thinking about that outhouse.
SO the next morning, when nobody was around, he snuck out, pushed the outhouse over and watched it tumble down the side of the hill, smashing into kindling.

Later that morning, his dad came up to him and said "Son, did you push that outhouse down the hill?"
The son had been studying George Washington in school so, in a flash of inspiration he said "Dad, I cannot tell a lie - I pushed that outhouse over and watched it roll down the hill."
His Dad immediately pulled the son over his knee and began giving him the spanking of his life. "But Dad," the son wailed, "When Georgia Washington cut down that Cherry Tree and didn't lie about it - his dad didn't whoop him!"

His dad replied: "Son, George Washington wasn't IN that cherry tree!"
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Old 07-03-2017, 05:09 AM   #12
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An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts…
so the driver happily munches them. Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts..
Driver: Why don’t you eat them yourself?
Old lady: I can’t chew. Look, I have no teeth..
...Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old lady: Oh, I just love the chocolates around them!
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Old 07-03-2017, 05:39 AM   #13
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Got a prescription for viagra the other day. That night I took one with a glass of water but it got stuck in my throate. Had a stiff neck for 4 hours.
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Old 07-03-2017, 02:31 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnWedell View Post
Got a prescription for viagra the other day. That night I took one with a glass of water but it got stuck in my throate. Had a stiff neck for 4 hours.
Anything over an hour and your supposed to seek medical help immediately
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Old 07-03-2017, 02:51 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by JohnWedell View Post
Got a prescription for viagra the other day. That night I took one with a glass of water but it got stuck in my throate. Had a stiff neck for 4 hours.
Side benefit of taking Viagra, I no longer roll out of bed!

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Old 09-24-2017, 05:58 AM   #16
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After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $250,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
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Old 09-29-2017, 07:19 AM   #17
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Take it with ypu

A stingy miser worked hard all of his life and made a lot of money. He loved that money more than just about anything and rarely spent a dime.
On his deathbed he said to his wife, "Promise me that you'll put all my money in the casket with me. I want to take it all to the afterlife with me. Promise!"
His wife promised him, with all of her heart, that she would indeed put all his money in the casket with him.
So then he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black, with her best friend beside her. After the ceremony the wife slipped a box into the casket just before it was closed.
The wife's friend clutched her by the sleeve and hissed, "Tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man!"
The wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't break a solemn promise. I promised to put his money in the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you actually put all his money in there?"
"I sure did," said the dutiful wife. "I wrote him a check for the full amount."
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Old 11-22-2017, 09:10 AM   #18
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Promotion?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9.”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last four questions wrong myself.”
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Old 11-23-2017, 05:52 AM   #19
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A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.'
'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' She asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a girl!'
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Old 11-23-2017, 09:54 AM   #20
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A duck waddles into a bar, hops on the bar and asks the bartender "got any gwapes?" The bartender answers "no, I don't have any grapes!" The next day, the duck waddles into the bar, hops on the bar and asks the bartender "got any gwapes?" The bartender answers "no, like I said yesterday I don't have any grapes!" The next day, the duck waddles into the same bar again, hops on the bar and asks the bartender "got any gwapes?" The bartender answers angrily "no, I don't have any grapes and I'm tired of you asking me every day. If you do it again, I'll staple your beak to the bar!" The fourth day, the duck waddles into the bar, hops on the bar and asks the bartender "got any staples?" The bartender answers "no, I don't have any staples." Then the duck asks "got any gwapes?"
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