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Old 10-02-2021, 10:36 PM   #1
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Warn EVERYBODY!

Drinking VODKA over ice can give you kidney failure.

Drinking RUM over ice can give you liver failure.

Drinking WHISKEY over ice can give you heart failure.

Drinking GIN over ice can give you brain disease.

Apparently ICE is really BAD for you, so WARN all your friends immediately!
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Old 10-03-2021, 05:38 AM   #2
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Whew, now I know why my corn whiskey stays in the freezer.
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Old 10-03-2021, 09:45 AM   #3
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You can't exist in southern Florida without ice. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
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Old 10-03-2021, 10:15 AM   #4
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Whew, now I know why my corn whiskey stays in the freezer.
Mine too.....lol
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Old 10-03-2021, 02:16 PM   #5
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That's why I drink beer.
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Old 10-04-2021, 08:03 AM   #6
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True Story

When I was in high school I worked at a fast food joint. A lady ordered a Coke with no ice because she was allergic to water. I stared at her in disbelief, then said I probably shouldn't sell her the Coke because it was mostly water. She sheepishly grinned, then admitted she just didn't want ice but was not allergic to it.
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Old 10-04-2021, 08:28 AM   #7
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Ok this is a bit long but it is funny, someone sent it to me a couple months ago, no idea how old it is or where it came from originally so whoever wrote it kudos to you


Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.
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Old 10-04-2021, 08:44 AM   #8
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Ice should be classified as a hazardous material. Time to escape to a warmer climate

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Old 10-04-2021, 09:17 AM   #9
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Ok this is a bit long but it is funny, someone sent it to me a couple months ago, no idea how old it is or where it came from originally so whoever wrote it kudos to you


Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
That's the best laugh I've had in a long long time! Thanks for posting.
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Old 10-04-2021, 11:37 AM   #10
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You should be frozen out for that story. I am sure that one of our members will stop using ice .
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Old 10-04-2021, 11:43 AM   #11
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Ban DHMO!

http://www.dhmo.org/
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Old 10-09-2021, 12:00 PM   #12
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Yep. Laughed until I cried!
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Old 10-09-2021, 12:17 PM   #13
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Ok this is a bit long but it is funny, someone sent it to me a couple months ago, no idea how old it is or where it came from originally so whoever wrote it kudos to you...

.
I laughed so hard I farted!
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Old 10-09-2021, 01:09 PM   #14
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That’s why I use granite chilling stones in my scotch. That’s where scotch on the rocks comes from. Staying away from that dangerous ice……..
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Old 10-09-2021, 04:27 PM   #15
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Sounds like Henny Pennys been out in the sun too long sipping the boot leg.
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Old 10-09-2021, 05:59 PM   #16
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Best laugh I’ve had in a long time!
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Old 10-09-2021, 06:43 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JFlightRisk View Post
Drinking VODKA over ice can give you kidney failure.

Drinking RUM over ice can give you liver failure.

Drinking WHISKEY over ice can give you heart failure.

Drinking GIN over ice can give you brain disease.

Apparently ICE is really BAD for you, so WARN all your friends immediately!



I don't put ice in Irish Whiskey. Only a splash of water. Slainte!
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Old 10-09-2021, 07:44 PM   #18
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When I was in high school I worked at a fast food joint. A lady ordered a Coke with no ice because she was allergic to water. I stared at her in disbelief, then said I probably shouldn't sell her the Coke because it was mostly water. She sheepishly grinned, then admitted she just didn't want ice but was not allergic to it.
Incredible as it sounds, there are very rare people who are allergic to water. If you google its there. It has some kind of fancy name.
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Old 10-09-2021, 07:52 PM   #19
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That was funny! Thank you for sharing!!!

Now why are my eyes leaking???
Chili maybe?
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Old 10-10-2021, 06:19 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scott View Post
When I was in high school I worked at a fast food joint. A lady ordered a Coke with no ice because she was allergic to water. I stared at her in disbelief, then said I probably shouldn't sell her the Coke because it was mostly water. She sheepishly grinned, then admitted she just didn't want ice but was not allergic to it.
I've known people that would order their pop with no ice because they felt they were being cheated if the vendor stuffed the cup full of ice and then added the pop.
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