rick danger
Senior Member
What did the bra say to the hat?.....I'll stay here with these two, you go on ahead.
Todays Clean Joke
- Thread starter norty1
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Steve-O Man
Member
Talking Frog
Old man is shuffling down the lane when he hears "psst! hey old man". Old man looks around doesn't see anyone so continues on his stroll. Again "psst! psst! hey, down here". Old many looks down and sees this frog that appears to be talking to him. "Pick me up" says the frog. "
I'm not really an ugly old frog but a beautiful princess trapped inside this frogs body because of a spell cast upon me by a wicked witch. Pick me up, kiss me to release me from this frogs body and I'll give you a night of ecstasy the likes of which you've never dreamed of before." Old man does pick up the frog but instead of giving it the kiss sticks the frog in his coat pocket and once again continues on his walk. "Hey old man, hey, hey, didn't you hear me? Kiss, beautiful princess, night of ecstasy? Old man stops and takes the frog out of his coat pocket. He looks at the frog and says, "Yea, I heard you. But at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." Returns the frog to his pocket and shuffles down the lane.
Old man is shuffling down the lane when he hears "psst! hey old man". Old man looks around doesn't see anyone so continues on his stroll. Again "psst! psst! hey, down here". Old many looks down and sees this frog that appears to be talking to him. "Pick me up" says the frog. "
I'm not really an ugly old frog but a beautiful princess trapped inside this frogs body because of a spell cast upon me by a wicked witch. Pick me up, kiss me to release me from this frogs body and I'll give you a night of ecstasy the likes of which you've never dreamed of before." Old man does pick up the frog but instead of giving it the kiss sticks the frog in his coat pocket and once again continues on his walk. "Hey old man, hey, hey, didn't you hear me? Kiss, beautiful princess, night of ecstasy? Old man stops and takes the frog out of his coat pocket. He looks at the frog and says, "Yea, I heard you. But at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." Returns the frog to his pocket and shuffles down the lane.
Shorty Cox
Senior Member
A lady in the assisted living home turning 105 years old caught the attention of the local TV station. A reporter was dispatched to interview the lady for a human-interest story.
The reporter asks the lady; “Too what do you attribute your longevity?”
The lady answered; “Eating healthy and exercise.”
“Have you ever been sick?” the reporter asks.
The lady answered; “yes”
“Well have you ever been bedridden?” the reporter then asks.
The old lady gave the reporter a puzzled look, giggled, and answered; “Gosh yes, and a few times in a buggy.”
The reporter asks the lady; “Too what do you attribute your longevity?”
The lady answered; “Eating healthy and exercise.”
“Have you ever been sick?” the reporter asks.
The lady answered; “yes”
“Well have you ever been bedridden?” the reporter then asks.
The old lady gave the reporter a puzzled look, giggled, and answered; “Gosh yes, and a few times in a buggy.”
RedHorse1
Senior Member
He’ll be here all week, folks. Be sure to tip your waitress.
OP
OP
Handsome Old Man
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
He was in his mid-eighties. He was well-dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, and smelling slightly of a good after shave.
Seated at the bar was an elderly, real classy lady.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits along side of her. He orders a drink. He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says,
"So, tell me. Do I come here often?"
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
He was in his mid-eighties. He was well-dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, and smelling slightly of a good after shave.
Seated at the bar was an elderly, real classy lady.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits along side of her. He orders a drink. He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says,
"So, tell me. Do I come here often?"
RedHorse1
Senior Member
I forget, did he pay for his drink?
RedHorse1
Senior Member
An elderly couple was attending a local antique auto show, the Mr. carefully examining each one. When they came to a beautifully restored Ford Model A pickup. As he looked it over, she stood silently looking at it a radiant grin broke out on her face.
The owner noticing her expression was pleased and asked her if she liked his pride and joy. She enthusiastically replied, “oh, yes!” Then quietly murmured, “The first time I had sex was in a pickup just like this one.” She then gave a sigh and walked away. Her husband had been standing beside her and now wearing a confused scowl muttered, “I don’t remember ever owning a truck like this.”
The owner noticing her expression was pleased and asked her if she liked his pride and joy. She enthusiastically replied, “oh, yes!” Then quietly murmured, “The first time I had sex was in a pickup just like this one.” She then gave a sigh and walked away. Her husband had been standing beside her and now wearing a confused scowl muttered, “I don’t remember ever owning a truck like this.”
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OP
OP
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
OP
OP
bedrck46
Senior Member
Where's the popcorn???
Cannon07
Senior Member
Why God Created Women. Cause hopes and dreams can't crush themself.
DaveSewell
Senior Member
I told my elderly mother that "WTF" stands for "Wow that's fantastic". i can't wait to start reading her emails.
Cannon07
Senior Member
Cannon07
Senior Member
OP
OP
I was visiting my daughter last night, when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here use my iPad"
I can tell you this...that fly never knew what hit him!
I can tell you this...that fly never knew what hit him!
RAurand
Senior Member
Nothing like a bug-zapper on the back porch though....the sounds, flash of light, and smell is something to behold....works best in the deep south, but ok for Pennsylvania as well....though not as impressive as the bugs are much larger down there....except around the swamp of DC....there, the pests are enormous* - and they keep multiplying - a large infestation.....*
OP
OP
A woman walks into Cabela’s to buy a fishing rod and reel for her son’s birthday. Not knowing much about fishing gear, she randomly picks one and heads to the counter.
The clerk, wearing dark glasses, stands behind the register. She approaches him and asks, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He replies, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind, but if you drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything about it just from the sound.”
Skeptical but curious, she lets it fall onto the counter.
The clerk listens and says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a solid all-around combo, and lucky for you, it’s on sale this week for just $20.”
Amazed, she exclaims, “That’s incredible! I’ll take it.”
As she reaches into her purse to grab her wallet, her credit card slips out and lands on the floor.
Without missing a beat, the clerk says, “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard.”
She bends down to pick it up and, in an unfortunate moment, accidentally lets out a fart. Embarrassed, she freezes, then reassures herself—there’s no way the blind clerk could know it was her. After all, he can’t see that she’s the only one nearby.
The man rings up her purchase and says, “That’ll be $34.50.”
Puzzled, she asks, “Wait… didn’t you say the rod and reel were $20? How did it jump to $34.50?”
He smiles and replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel are $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
Without another word, she swipes her MasterCard and walks out.
The clerk, wearing dark glasses, stands behind the register. She approaches him and asks, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He replies, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind, but if you drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything about it just from the sound.”
Skeptical but curious, she lets it fall onto the counter.
The clerk listens and says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a solid all-around combo, and lucky for you, it’s on sale this week for just $20.”
Amazed, she exclaims, “That’s incredible! I’ll take it.”
As she reaches into her purse to grab her wallet, her credit card slips out and lands on the floor.
Without missing a beat, the clerk says, “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard.”
She bends down to pick it up and, in an unfortunate moment, accidentally lets out a fart. Embarrassed, she freezes, then reassures herself—there’s no way the blind clerk could know it was her. After all, he can’t see that she’s the only one nearby.
The man rings up her purchase and says, “That’ll be $34.50.”
Puzzled, she asks, “Wait… didn’t you say the rod and reel were $20? How did it jump to $34.50?”
He smiles and replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel are $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
Without another word, she swipes her MasterCard and walks out.
Murff
Senior Member
Good one, Norty!
Murff
Murff
nambarc
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Norty is a funny guy
Grumpy
Senior Member
Hung a World Map on the wall and gave my wife a dart. Told her where ever it lands is where we'll go. We're spending three weeks behind the couch.
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