Todays Clean Joke

[JFlightRisk]

What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

 

[JimD]

 

[norty1]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

 

[JimD]

 

[norty1]

The proprietor of a small village drugstore was called out one sleepy summer morning, leaving the establishment temporarily under the sole management of a very young, and very uneducated, clerk.
"Just answer the phone if it rings, Jim," instructed the proprietor.
The phone rang.
"Hello," said the clerk.
"Do you have streptomycin and aureomycin?" asked a voice at the other end.
The clerk scratched his head, then said, "Ma'am, when I said 'Hello' I told you everything I know."

 

[Kevin Cooper]

A minister was at a diner having lunch when a friend from out of town sat at his table. They were eating and the friend said you do not seem to be doing well. The minister said I just don’t know what to do. Someone in the church stole my bicycle and I use it to go everywhere. I don’t know what to do.
The friend grinned and said, this Sunday give everyone the sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to “Thou shall not steal”. Lay it on them hard and whoever stole your bicycle will return your bicycle.
The next week, the friend came to the diner and sat with the minister. Did you get your bicycle back? The minister sadly said yes. So, the Thou shall not steal one worked?
The minister said no, when I got to “Thou shall not commit adultry”, I remembered where I left my bicycle!”

 

[Grumpy]

As Sam approaches grandpa and grandma's house he sees grandpa sitting on the porch with no pants. When he gets on the porch he asks, "Gramps why are you out here with no pants on?". Gramps responds, "Last week I was out here with no shirt on and got a stiff neck and this was grannies idea".

 

[Grumpy]

I think it's funny that they're now putting jokes on the back of bacon packages.

Listen to this one: Serving Size: 2 Slices

 

[JFlightRisk]

That's hilarious. I'm in for 3 servings please. And make it deep fried.

 

[OnTheGo]

... with toast, scrambled eggs, and coffee with a shot of Wild Turkey in it.

 

[Grumpy]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Chianina Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified as the bull got closer and closer. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE, YOUR BADGE, SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

 

[JFlightRisk]

 

[Grumpy]

I was just reading a book on how to have a successful marriage. One thing it stressed was to be sure you always treat your wife like it was your first date. So since we're going out for dinner tonight after we're finished I'm taking her back to her parents house..